squish

STOP READING ASTROLOGY!!!

rosh hashannah (began today at sundown) is a holiday where you set te year to come, what you want to do to be a better person this year.

the ten days in between are where you say your apologies to those you have done wrong to and appreciate everyone who has been there for you last year.  it's ten days of reflection on last year, summing up, appreciating, remembering.

yom kippur is the day where you fast and let go of last year, ready to start this year with a clean slate.


What do we need to apologize about either to loved ones or to ourselves from last year?
What do we appreciate from last year?

What are we going to do differently, focus on, or improve this year?  What are our goals?

( my answers )

I just shaved my armpits for work.  I shaved my smell away.  I feel so oppressed.  Oh well.

This weekend consists of baking zillions of cupcakes with hearts, stars and lightning bolts on them for the Girls Rock Camp demonstrations at Gilman.... and then, if I can actually do it (I am doubtful) helping serve breakfast at CR at 6 a.m.

Working M-F makes one really value their weekend.  I hope these activities, though charitable, will also prove enjoyable.

I'm having so much trouble teaching this Spanish class.  My class is almost all 5th grade girls, with two 4th graders, who are ostracized from the group.  Some of the kids are incredibly loud and rambunctious.  They have just spent like 7 hours in school, and now I'm supposed to teach them Spanish?  For fun?  I don't get paid for prep time, either.  Today we will learn numbers.  Thursday we will learn about hurricanes and Cuba (current events).  Somehow I will make this fun and/or interesting.  I've already decided that teaching is not for me, at least not teaching elementary school age kids.

Last night I hung out with someone I had known about a year ago as a "cool person."  This has been happening to me a lot lately... hanging out with people I used to revere and put on a pedestal.  It's special and nice to know that they are people and i am a person and I can do "cool" things too... I am working on a few projects and I want to take them more seriousy.  One is the band, the other is the zine.  I might explain more later.
 

Writer's Block

We get a month!  Sweeeeeet!!!!!!

The state of my room is both unnerving and comforting.  It is messy, like ALWAYS.  But it represents the whirlwind of my life right now-chaotic, but also organized.  Messes that are nice to lok at- colorful clothes piles, my bike looking regal in the corner, books, art supplies and everything all spread around.  But then there is the occasional dirty dish getting moldy which I need to purge from my room and clean but somehow just haven't gotten around to it.  I started painting my room, but halfway through the job I got in a huge fight with Hannah and knew it would be best for both of us if I moved out, so the room remains half-painted.

You can see remnants of all the things going on in my life right now: Spanish books and 4th grade lit books cluttering the floor, opened cold medicine packages and vitamins, all the clothes I wore or just tried on, my old, dead laptop collecting dust, and half full cups of coffee and tea in random places all over the floor so you have to walk carefully to get from one place to another.

I am making a zine with some friends about letting go.  This is partially in honor of the upcoming equinox, showing us it's time to let go of summer and surrender to the darkening of the days.  It also applies to us and so many of our friends right now- the need to let go in order to let new things in.

 

I just saw your post. Sorry that I am at times tardy.

I am currently at Lake Tahoe in Nevada, USA.  Tomorrow I will be hiking 4 miles into the Desolation Wildnerness and spending a night.  I'm nervous about bears and big animals and general scared-of-the-dark shit, but a meteor shower is coming and I hope to catch some of it out there.  I've never been this far away from a city or town.  It was my idea.

I'm wearing my turqoise pants and they smell BAD.  They smell like a cow farm.  But they're clean... they smell like this all the time.  I thought it was maybe because they have some linen in them.  I wikipedia-ed it and found out linen is made from flax plants.  Is that the same as flax seeds?  I think flax seeds taste like fish.  This must all be related.

Apgar has been a good turning point for me, as has getting hired by legit people.  My room is really fucking cute, too.  I feel like a babe.  I hope that this babe feeling will catapult me into more sultry behavior.  I will keep you posted.

I hope you're having a good time.

Sincerely,
Teodorre B. Mereswoman

Crampssssssssss blechhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i took 2 huge tylenol i don't want to feel ANYTHING

i wish someone would show up with a hamburger.

i decided to treat myself to a latte today since i got so much cleaning done and i had so much left to do, but it just made me want to talk a lot. so i talked to gillian for more than an hour (note: she's in atlanta) and then iso came over and we talked up a storm, then i went to sarah's and watched "so you think you can dance" and then talked a lot. but i definitely don't feel like cleaning. espresso is great but its not magic.

the other thing about espresso that i always forget until it's too late is that it makes me totally paranoid. we started talking about earthquakes and it made me freak out. also, although i'm liking apgar more and more with each person i get to know, my room is a total fire trap. it's really unsafe. at Girls Rock Camp one of the moms had survived a fire. her face was disfigured and she had hooks instead of hands. i hope this doesn't happen to me.

anyways... as a result of the latte i am paranoid, awake, and chatty as fuck and all by myself in a half-moved out apartment at midnight.

yep. 
I don't have a paid account so  I can't make a LJ poll RATS oh well i don't need your technology:

Have you guys ever realized you have big potential but then felt scared about it and shrank away from it?
 

It was really disturbing on so many levels. Mostly, disturbing that people love that shit so much- what's wrong with our society? (I am turning into my mother)


Also, Heath Ledger was good
but all the other acting SUCKED SO BAD!

thoughts?

I have played 2 shows so far. I play the saw and sing with my friends on 1-2 of their songs.

The first one was at Ash's house. After practicing a lot, Iso, Jackeline and I rode our bikes in an incredible bike gang to her house- taking up the whole road and singing at the top of our lungs in our girly short shortness- it was one of those hot heatwave days. Nobody was there yet! So Jackeline and I went barefoot in search of juice... instead we found passion flowers. She ate some, she said they are tranquilizers. They are really beautiful flowers- like 3 flowers in one, bright purple. It's amazing. The people started arriving and I realized the other bands were gonna be there too... duh. I forgot we would have to play our music in front of real musicians too. So we played our set... I forgot the words and forgot to sing and forgot how to play. I was shaky. blech. It was too hot to be in that room so I listened to the other bands from a pile of tires with Rachel Remona Jerome. The most amazing part of that night was how warm it was outside. We rode to a new party, weaving all over the street and cackling like witches. It was at least 11 and you didn't need a sweatshirt or anything. God, it was amazing. After that party we ate ramen on my roof and didn't go to bed until 4. Everyone I talked to stayed up at least as late as that, or later, becuase since it was so hot outside that day (I think 90) everyone came out to play at night and dind't want to go to bed! Love love love.....


The second show was at this amazing art warehouse near Lake Merritt where this cool girl Jenny lives.. it was her birthday. That place was like a heavenly wonderland playground place.... you go up the stairs and you're in a huge, huge room, with nice old wood on the floor, with a spiderweb thing in the rafters with cushions so you can just chill up there. A piano and several toy pianos, big art pieces... all that warehouse loveliness. There were a lot of great people there. It was fun. Jackeline found me a "costume," a.k.a. a dress from Jenny's room! I put it on and the three of us matched in our old timey feminine clothing. We ended up laying last, not til midnight or later, so we all ended up getting really drunk to pass the time. The other bands were seriously amazing, well I guess I'm talking about this band called Monsoon? I think that's what they're called.. a whole bunch of kids including a Souzaphone.
We went up there. I perched on a ladder. By this time, more than half the people had gone home. I was really annoyed because at the first sight of confusion, half a dozen eager men hopped up to help us set up the amps and stuff. We didn't ask for help! Even after we decided to play acoustic, guys were still trying to make it work. Argh. A reason to learn how to do everything yourself, you know? Iso lit candles, they got out all their books, and the real piano, and started talking in jibberish basically. Jackeline started sewing up a tear in Iso's slip while they sang and read poetry. I played my song.... I also played saw along with Jack's poem. It went pretty nicely.... It was kind of a surreal thing. Jenny told me the dress looked good on me and lent it to me- that was really nice!

Anyhow, things are moving along. I might go on tour with Ash. And, I have to say, seeing amazing warehous spaces like that make me fall in love with Oakland all over again and never want to leave!

i'm a lover, not a fighter

there are totally people out there who are fighters and it seems kind of fun to be self rightous and all that. i'm reading the graphic novel about emma goldman. she was a fighter. sounds romantic.

OH MY GOD it is so bad to drink a big cup of coffee that you've never tried before- this coffee turned out to be crazy strong! AHHHH! I just want to scream a lot!!!


but, more importantly, everyone, everyone:::


I WANT TO BE A LIBRARIAN!!!!!1

i finally figured it out... i feel so glorious

Almost  a year ago I was somewhere in Europe- we'll say it was in front of Prague castle, even though I don't think it was...  Steve and I hiked up all these cobblestone steps on the hottest night, it had to be in the 90s.  By the time we got to the top, the sky was pitch black but it was as hot as day.  Usually this area was swarmed with tourists but tonight, it was totally empty.  So empty that when we saw it, it caught us by total surprise.  Imagine being caught by surprise by a huge, tall castle that looks like Disneyland except it's real.  People actually lived there.  People actually built it!

It was "there" (not really) that I declared to Steve that when I got back from Europe I would stop talking to all my friends and escape from life.  And I did!  I will give me that much credit, I did what I said I'd do.  And now, more than a year later, I realized that I willfully drove myself crazy.  so thank god I found this journal entry, which so well describes the goodness I tried to ignore for awhile.  The good parts of this past year.  It's pretty ironic when you read the part about what my dad said then  if you know what my dad went on to say to me a few months later.

Also, the part where I say it's scary to let go.... this was right before my back injury, where I literally was afraid to let go, but I did anyway, and i broke my back.  in that same bed where i tried to get comfortable with the idea of lettiing go, i would later have a repeated nightmare where i let go of a ledge and keep falling, falling, falling.......






"dirty teeth" April 2007

shyness is totally passe.

"you hot sluts are saving the world but you think you're nihilists" - heard on the street tonight.

i've been gone forever, it seems, but my inbox is still empty.  time is moving really strangely.
like some others out there, i, too, went to europe.  paris, munich, vienna, krakow, prague, amsterdam and london.  gone for a month.  that was, like, forever ago.
now i'm looking for a place to live in oakland, while living in san francisco.  hanging out with friends is FUN.  meeting new friends that are really nice is also really really fun.  being home alone and not knowing what to do kind of sucks.... and i'm supposed to be looking for a job but i haven't applied to a single one.  i just don't know where to start.
housing stuff is...... blah.  i love the bay area, i love the east bay kids, but it's all so close to home.  after travelling for a month straight, none of this feels exciting enough for me.  but i think i can find stuff here that is actually meaingful, and doing new stuff even if i'mnot in a new place.
oh god i'm so fulllllllllllllllllllll i need to take a fucking BATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  those 2 things are unrelated, by the way.

i do not know how to kiss someone or like someone and not like... want to date them.  you know?  i've never hooked up with anyone that i didn't date.... at least not without major emotional consequences.  okay, this we know, i've said it a million times.  what i'm trying to say is, i really want a love interest.  i'm trying to learn not to obsess over people/situations.

tomorrow i get my contacts! glasses-less life again!  isn't that exciting??

i'm in a dark bathroom in an Econolodge in Albuquerque, NM as I write this.  I'm on a roadtrip and I have to say

...

I AM SICK OF THE CAR.  too much fucking driving, waaaayyyy too much.
But i don't miss santa cruz at all, which is .... whatever it is.  i'm ready for more exciting things, i'm ready to do things.

too much chocolate covered espresso beans to keep me up in the car.  we spent so many hours in the car today.  my tires were busted and we had to buy new tires in a random little town on route 66.  i also bought a belt buckle.  las vegas sucked.  death valley was insanely intensely weird.  probably 100 degrees, and tomorrow we're driving into snow in taos.  we've met some very interesting people that want to talk our ears off.  can't wait to go to the places india suggested to us.... Cowgirl Cafe, thrift stores, artsy stuff.  I might need some alone time soon so i don't explode.  it's weird, cuz i've already been to all these places... but when i went, i wasn't responsible for shit.

Today: woke up in vegas; took a shower and stood in front of our panoramic window totally nude because nobody can see in; stole spaghetti from whole foods for breakfast; drove into arizona where the car broke down (agony!); drove to flagstaff to have a quiznos sandwich, a cigarette, and a powwow about what to do next; sat in the front keeping katie awake while we drove 5 more hours and now we are in new mexico! wow. wowwowwowwow.  ack the puffy toilet seat i'm on just collapsed!

travelling sucks.   BEING in new places rules but GETTING there sucks.  maybe that's a metaphor or something.
the one blessed person i texted while on this trip has not texted me back.  she doesn't know how to treat nice things.

the creepiest moment of my life: we are driving East on a big interstate.  we need gas, we need to pee, its 10PM.  the only other cars on the road are big gigantic erratic trucks.  we pull off on an exit that promises food, gas, restrooms.... it is a fucking abandoned town.  with huge black cliffes on both sides.  and a cargo train screeching past.  oh my god.

what else? we've been quasi-stealing a lot of shit.  non-dairy creamer, ice, forks and knives, glassware.
yesterday we went into a club on the strip in vegas and there were awkward sexy dancing girls, and a girl in a cage (VERY awkward) and an old lady in a flowy western dress trying to dance to hip hop.  vegas was just everybody trying to have a good time, but trying really half-assed.  but being drunk on the street with a lot of other drunk people is really fun.  i had a big conversation with a wasted man from south dakota.  he said, "what are you majoring in?" and i said "womens studies" and he said "now you are confusing me" hahaha.  ALCOHOL.  vegas was all about addiction... the casinos and bars were open 24/7.  kinda depressing.  thats where we bought the parlaments.  the cigarettes are often the best part of my day because its like
AHHHHHH, Relax.
i love you guys but its all overwhelming.  santa cruz is too much and when i move i want to have a more simple life.

 of life and life is beautiful

A List.



- i can't communicate with some people and some people are wrong for me romantically but i want to be with them anyway
- someone i love dearly dearly dearly is leaving and i will probably never see him again, and even if i did it woulnd't be the same
- i torture myself by wanting things i shouldn't have
- i'm graduating and on the other end of graduation is a pit of unforseen future called Life
- i'm socialy awkward sometimes
- i hate myself sometimes
- i love myself sometimes too but its not enough; i want other people to love me too
- chicana women got screwed by the university and the chicano movement and white women all at the same time in the 1970's
- life is terrible and horrible and unexplainable and beautiful and i will never know if anybody sees the same beauty i see
- i love people and it aches
- when i feel vulnerable i cover my mouth and maybe its because when i look at certain people's mouths i really want to kiss them
- i feel a devastating amount of untouched potential; a sea of talent slipping through my fingers; what if i grow up? what if i'm never creative again?  what if i get boring?
- i am an anarchist.  i am a socialist.  i am a democrat.  i am a feminist, dyke, bisexual, queer, gay-til-graduation,  yuppie, radical, apolitical, apathetic, american, white, nerd, young adult, upper-middle-class, consumer; i am nothing.  i don't matter.  nobody will know.

remember the bay area?  i love it and i forgot.  there's so much stuff and stuff and stuff................

its late

i have class 2m but i'm working on a paper.  i'm only like 1/2way done and i dont know what else to say.  ooooohhhhhmy i get tongue tieddddddddddddddddddd i get tongue tieddd( remember the bay area ? )

its raining out there.  its 5 AM out there.


a poem, in the spirit of writing poetry when one is staying up all night to write a paper.  Ahem.  I don't know what to write about


how about my anger
at you for being so exactly how you said you are and me ignoring it
angry at your anger. 
angry because you made me worried for nothing angry because now there is no outlet.
anger because it feels better than stagnation and it feels better than silence anger feels better than lots of things, most things, anger makes me create
anger is new to me
anger is new to me but now i don't know how to apologize, dont know how to keep quiet don't know how to stay away and its all so real again

one cup of coffee.  a walk to the beach;  let's listen to the loudest most intense music on my ipod while walking through crowds of tourists.  yes.  one cup of coffee; let's put our feet in that freezing water and daydream about animation, about creation.  one fucking cup of coffee and i'm in my housemates van discussing my tendency to detach in stressful situations if i miss my opportunity to shout out what i need; my ability to completely detach and just

wait....

for the situation to be over.  the strategy of passivity.  worked for me for so many years.

"you want to show me how to play dead
how to be still"

everyone who's ever dated me, lived with me, or been my parents has experienced my freak out sessions before a paper is due.  it is intense, so fucking intense.  the things i will do to avoid the awful feeling are really intense too, sometimes manipulative or risky.  i thought i was done with them.  what do i do?  just grin and bear it these two more times and never go to school again?  not that i'm thinking about things in such huge terms or anything.  i'm not thinking about it.  in any terms.  ha!  i guess somewhere in there i feel like i can just wait for it to pass........

....
....